Day 9 - And breathe!

The past week and a half, I have been going like a chicken with its head cut off. All nerve endings firing at once and bobbling around causing much havoc. Of course, I still have my head on my shoulders, but it feels like my head is tied on tighter than ever before. Everyday that I work, I have to bike from my house about 10 miles then bike back after a laborious day another 10 miles. I am not complaining, as it feels good to finally have something to do. Breathing is all that is required for me to catch up to where the week has gone.

Another thing worth mentioning about the past two weeks is that it has allowed me time to think and compose myself. I had fallen apart at the seams and I didn't know why. I had allowed myself to change in a manner I didn't realize or mean to. Before I left for Boot Camp, I thought I had it all figured out. Then I injured my knee and I let it define me. I got discharged from the military because I couldn't complete the physical portion. When I got home, even after the injury healed, I continued to let the "I can't do it" attitude prevail and clinged onto the little good that I had left in my life. I fully regret it now, but I am pushing myself now to overcome this problem and redefine myself.

I don't have it all figured out. I never will. I just have been given a small insight to my own problem.

My apologies to anyone who has been hurt by my past actions.

Late Day 4 - Moving On

Philippians 3:13 "Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,"

 

"The hard facts are, unless I let go, unless I forgive myself, unless I forgive the situation, unless I realize that the past is over, I cannot move forward. It's impossible to run to what is ahead, if I continue to stumble on the past. No one can save me with the exception of myself and my life isn't going to sit around while I figure out how to resolve my issues. The choices I make from today onwards will lead me, step by step, to the future I deserve. I must turn from being a 'maybe man' into someone whose future success lies completely in his own hands." 

 

My past is behind me.

 

My future is before me.

 

Nothing can stop me from living it.

 

I am the Phoenix.

 

I will rise from my own ashes.

Day 3 - Emotions Swelling

The past week has been an emotional roller coaster. I've experienced complete breakdowns over things lost and joy at things gained. Always have I been afraid that I can't feel, can't be broken, can't change. Although I am still working on the third, the other two have been proven wrong.

A positive thing that has happened in the past few days is that I have accepted two full time jobs that are five minutes from each other. One is inspecting trucks and trailers, while the other is a call center sales position. If I can get over my service mindset, I think the sales position will be a breeze.

Ironically, the truck inspection job is the same exact job she had before she quit. Two days after the breakup, I get hired on to fill the gap she left. I am doing things she used to do and l find it hard to deal with this fact. Yet I soldier on.

Everything I did, I used to share with her. And now that I am branching my life out and doing things I should have done long before, it is almost impossible to not feel boxed in knowing I can't let her know of my overdue accomplishments. Victory is still victory, but it doesn't give as much satisfaction when the spearhead is missing.