Day 9 - And breathe!

The past week and a half, I have been going like a chicken with its head cut off. All nerve endings firing at once and bobbling around causing much havoc. Of course, I still have my head on my shoulders, but it feels like my head is tied on tighter than ever before. Everyday that I work, I have to bike from my house about 10 miles then bike back after a laborious day another 10 miles. I am not complaining, as it feels good to finally have something to do. Breathing is all that is required for me to catch up to where the week has gone.

Another thing worth mentioning about the past two weeks is that it has allowed me time to think and compose myself. I had fallen apart at the seams and I didn't know why. I had allowed myself to change in a manner I didn't realize or mean to. Before I left for Boot Camp, I thought I had it all figured out. Then I injured my knee and I let it define me. I got discharged from the military because I couldn't complete the physical portion. When I got home, even after the injury healed, I continued to let the "I can't do it" attitude prevail and clinged onto the little good that I had left in my life. I fully regret it now, but I am pushing myself now to overcome this problem and redefine myself.

I don't have it all figured out. I never will. I just have been given a small insight to my own problem.

My apologies to anyone who has been hurt by my past actions.

Late Day 4 - Moving On

Philippians 3:13 "Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,"

 

"The hard facts are, unless I let go, unless I forgive myself, unless I forgive the situation, unless I realize that the past is over, I cannot move forward. It's impossible to run to what is ahead, if I continue to stumble on the past. No one can save me with the exception of myself and my life isn't going to sit around while I figure out how to resolve my issues. The choices I make from today onwards will lead me, step by step, to the future I deserve. I must turn from being a 'maybe man' into someone whose future success lies completely in his own hands." 

 

My past is behind me.

 

My future is before me.

 

Nothing can stop me from living it.

 

I am the Phoenix.

 

I will rise from my own ashes.

Day 3 - Emotions Swelling

The past week has been an emotional roller coaster. I've experienced complete breakdowns over things lost and joy at things gained. Always have I been afraid that I can't feel, can't be broken, can't change. Although I am still working on the third, the other two have been proven wrong.

A positive thing that has happened in the past few days is that I have accepted two full time jobs that are five minutes from each other. One is inspecting trucks and trailers, while the other is a call center sales position. If I can get over my service mindset, I think the sales position will be a breeze.

Ironically, the truck inspection job is the same exact job she had before she quit. Two days after the breakup, I get hired on to fill the gap she left. I am doing things she used to do and l find it hard to deal with this fact. Yet I soldier on.

Everything I did, I used to share with her. And now that I am branching my life out and doing things I should have done long before, it is almost impossible to not feel boxed in knowing I can't let her know of my overdue accomplishments. Victory is still victory, but it doesn't give as much satisfaction when the spearhead is missing.

Day 2 - Goals and Objectives

I have noticed I tend to set unattainable or unrealistic goals. This is exceedingly obvious to me when I go looking for the toughest military fitness standards. Nevertheless, I have never set any real goals for myself to achieve. Since I spent most of the day thinking about this anyways, I have decided to create and post a list. And yes, I will bore you with my updates in the future as I progress towards completion.

 

I have laid everything out on the line already, so expect me to keep laying it out.

 

Weight: 170 (Current 189.3)

Push-ups: 87 (My APFT was ~14)

Sit-ups: 105 (My APFT was ~27)

Pull-ups: 20 (Can't do 1)

Running: 3 miles in 18:00 (My APFT was 2 miles in ~28:00)

 

Debt: $0 (Current $25,000)

Savings: $10,000 at least (Current $0)

 

Physical Objects:

• A vehicle that actually has a motor
• A place of my own

Academic:

• B.S. in MicroBiology and Molecular Biology
• Doctorate in Biomedical Engineering.

I will continue to add and remove things from this as need be, but I now have a baseline for me to move forward on. No matter how long it takes or how much it hurts, I will complete my list of goals.

 

As I have said before, when I make promises, I keep them. This list is my promise to everyone that I will continue to improve myself, even if I have to walk through hell itself.

 

 

 

Day 1 - No More

I have never been much of a wordsmith. There has always been thoughts and actions stuck in my head that I haven't been able to relay by mouth, paper, or act. Time and time again, this has cost me more than mere triviality. It has finally cost me too much and I am no longer willing to stay within my status quo.

 

I have lost almost everything I could lose. A stable job, being debt free, a place of my own, military service, firefighter service, friends, and a loving girlfriend, to name what pops to mind at the moment. I can no longer live the way I have been living. Everything changes today.

 

I will fight tooth and nail to regain what I can. I am undergoing a transformation and I will  no longer take no for an answer. This is the end of the old me. Say goodbye as I don't intend for it to come back.